Speak Up for Yourself with Confidence: How to Stop Worrying and Be More Assertive
Do you know what it’s like to wake up each day, looking in the mirror with that critical voice in your head (tearing yourself apart and killing your confidence 🤬)? It’s not a great feeling, is it?
If you’re feeling tired of pushing yourself time and time again through uncomfortable situations, still hoping confidence will magically appear one day - maybe you’re heavily relying on willpower (surviving on repeating affirmations daily and seeking external validation!) - the problem may very well be that you’re trying to solve this backward.
Wait…, what? 🤨
Maybe it’s time for a different approach?! 😉
Trying to “think” yourself confident with your logical mind is usually ineffective and takes forever.
If you’re nodding your head and thinking… “Yeah, …tbh…, I’m really working hard on myself, but *nothing* I’ve tried so far has helped me feel truly confident from within (yet)… and it might be time to address it…” then you have landed in the right place. 🙌
In this blog post, I’m going to cover:
Why and how becoming more confident is good for your nervous system and can make your daily life so much easier
Why advice like “fake it till you make it” usually doesn’t work for people like you and me, and a strategy (and specific tips) that you can implement this week instead
Why becoming aware of your thoughts is only 20% of the equation’s work (I share my Self-Talk Tracking Worksheet, which is super helpful for that!)
What the other 80% is about, and why *this* is the missing piece that most people are overlooking that can fast-track your confidence results 10x than other tools out there
What to do if you feel like “you’ve tried it all” and still feel insecure?
Next steps for YOU — if you’re ready to uplevel your confidence game and step into natural, easy confidence from within
Ready? Let’s dive in… starting with this (eventually uncomfortable) yet essential truth:
Your current approach to building confidence doesn’t give you the results you are looking for.
When your inner critic is the first thing you hear every morning—criticizing everything from how you look to what you said to what you did or didn’t do—it becomes almost impossible to feel empowered and ready to take on the world.
Finding yourself wrapped in negative thoughts *before* you even get out of bed is not only mentally draining but also leaves you feeling dis-connected from yourself.
Physically, this can manifest in tension and discomfort—maybe you feel a lump in your throat or a heaviness in your chest. Maybe you’re recognizing how you constantly try to adjust your clothes throughout the day, hoping to find comfort in a body that feels out of place.
In your daily life, the insecurities and self-doubt spill over into how you make decisions. It causes you to constantly question everything you do, making it hard to trust yourself–whether it’s a minor choice like what to wear or something more significant like how to handle a situation at work.
It’s not that you’re incapable, but you’ve convinced yourself that you aren’t.
Plus, when you look around and compare yourself to others, it feels like everyone else has it together (thanks, Instagram and TikTok 😰) while you feel insecure and stuck in the same place.
Ugh, frustrating, right?
I know, I’ve been there. (And it took me over a decade to find the missing piece that turned everything around; more on that below!)
It’s not your fault that confidence feels so out of reach.
Growing up, society has conditioned us to believe that confidence is something you either have or don’t —as if it’s reserved for specific people who were born with it.
Another common misconception is that confidence looks a certain way, like speaking up in a room full of people or taking bold risks without hesitation. And if you don’t naturally fit that mold, it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you (I know I felt that way!)
But the truth is, confidence doesn’t have one look.
It’s not limited to a specific personality type. And it certainly doesn’t mean being the loudest person in the room.
Real confidence comes from within—it’s about trusting yourself, not how loud or bold you show up in the world. Truly confident people don’t need to put on an act. They are naturally comfortable in their own skin, able to show up just as they are, and navigate life as their true selves.
What makes it even more confusing is that so many methods you might try often only give temporary boosts but leave you feeling just as insecure in the long run.
Things like “fake it till you make it,” stepping out of your comfort zone, or repeating affirmations over and over might feel empowering for a moment, but they don’t address the root of the issue.
These techniques often overlook the deeper emotional and subconscious layers where self-doubt and insecurities live and arise.
So if it feels like nothing you’ve tried is working, it’s not because you’re not trying hard enough or are incapable of change—it might be because the tools you’ve been given weren’t designed to tackle the real problem to create lasting change.
But it IS possible to turn this whole thing around.
My client P., who is a copywriter, was able to.
When she came to me, she had been struggling with that constant negative voice inside her head, which made it very difficult for her to accept herself and everything she did. It not only affected how she treated herself and her body, but it also took a toll on her confidence.
Here’s what P. did to feel more confident, cherish and respect her body more, and speak kinder to herself.
Despite having already worked on her limiting beliefs and done lots of mindset and breathwork in other coaching programs, P. was still extremely harsh on herself and struggling with that negative body image. (In other words, logically, she knew the steps to take to feel more confident, but the old conditioning ran so deep that it felt like a battle she didn’t know how to win.)
However, when I guided P. through my signature KNR® and hypnosis session, she addressed the underlying root causes of her negative self-talk and confidence challenges. By the end of that very session, she experienced an immediate positive shift (which, btw., happens to every client!)
She no longer felt the weight of self-criticism. Instead, she felt light, whole, and filled with a soft, loving acceptance of herself.
Another client, K., had a similar breakthrough.
Before working with me, shopping had always been a struggle for her—trying on clothes would make her feel uncomfortable, and she usually wanted to leave the store as quickly as possible.
But after our work together, she went shopping and bought herself her dream outfit, feeling happy and confident. She even sent me a picture of herself standing tall, her shoulders back and head held high, radiating positive energy.
You could feel the joy and self-love radiating from her. This wasn’t just about the outfit; it was about finally feeling good in her own skin.
So… how exactly did P. and K. make these changes?
Every client I work with is different, but what made their transformation possible was based on some of the following ideas.
Let’s discuss three specific strategies YOU can consider — as you progress toward feeling more confident — and becoming comfortable being your natural self. (Remember, that’s what true confidence is all about!)
Incorporating some of these ideas could significantly impact how you show up for yourself and others, improving your relationships — your life and career overall.
Just imagine how things would shift if you could finally stop trying to be someone you’re not and, instead, simply *be* who you truly are. 🤩
Confidence Boost Strategy 1: Stop Trying to “Fake It Till You Make It.”
I recommend to many of my clients—especially those who have pushed themselves outside their comfort zone countless times without seeing results—that they stop trying to “fake it till they make it” and instead give their brain and body a chance to breathe and calm down.
Caveat: I’m not saying, “Don’t step outside your comfort zone.” I’m saying when you do it, challenge yourself *intentionally*.
The “faking it till you make it” approach often only masks insecurities on the surface while leaving the underlying issues unresolved.
It’s not that you aren’t capable—you are! You’ve likely proven that a million times (I know I have, yet I still struggled to feel confident from within for years! Urgh, so frustrating!).
When you constantly send your brain and body into a fear response, confidence doesn’t grow from the inside out. (Makes sense, right?!)
In fact, it can increase or reinforce feelings of fear and self-doubt rather than build true confidence because, deep down, you know you’re not being truly yourself.
It’s exhausting for your nervous system, too!
This is why confronting yourself sometimes can make the fear even worse if you throw yourself into situations that scare the hell out of you.
(I remember a time when it definitely did for me. Because I thought, “Maybe I just haven’t done it enough. Maybe I just need to do more of it, trying harder and keep pushing through.” But the more I pushed, the worse it got.) 💡
Your fear will not magically disappear if you don’t address the underlying reason it comes up in the first place.
Lessons learned! – That’s why today, I approach building confidence with clients from within in a way that feels authentic, manageable, and safe for your mind and body.
Here is *an easy yet powerful alternative* to “fake it till you make it,” which you can implement *immediately* to quieten negative self-talk and truly grow your confidence from within over time.
Reconnect with Your Body
Confidence is deeply connected to how you feel in your body and, in turn, how you show up for yourself. Hence, many confidence issues are often rooted in feeling dis-connected from your body.
If you’re noticing that pushing yourself outside your comfort zone has not the effect you’re hoping for and leads to more stress and anxiety, you’re not alone.
Instead of ignoring your body’s stress response (which, btw., wants to keep you safe), a better way to build confidence from within is to reconnect with your body. Before you try this new thing, connect with your body and listen next time, and don’t bypass what you feel.
Additionally, practices that support body awareness—like dancing to your favorite music, yoga, or even mindful movement, are great for connecting with yourself. This is not about performing; it’s about allowing your body to express itself.
When you ground down and tune into your body, you’ll feel more present and calm and naturally start to feel more comfortable in your own skin as the negative body image and physical discomfort will begin to shift.
Strategy 2: Become Aware And Challenge Your Negative Thoughts
(The 20% Work You Do On A Conscious Level)
Instead of forcing yourself to “appear” confident, be curious and explore where your negative thoughts and insecurities are coming from. (I’m talking about that negative voice inside your head.)
I know this is uncomfortable, but it will help you immensely!
To make real, lasting changes, you want to dig deeper and uncover the root of why you feel the way you do. Without addressing this, you’ll likely end up frustrated, feeling like you’ve tried everything without truly transforming from within.
The first step is always to become aware of what you believe about yourself.
However, many people have this completely backward and are missing 80% of the equation, which costs them years spent focusing on the *wrong* thing!! (Now lean in, this will blow your mind…)
A standard piece of advice you probably came across before usually sounds like this: “Start by becoming aware of your specific negative thoughts about yourself. When they pop up, challenge them and ask yourself: “Is this thought really true?” (so far so good!)
For instance, you might catch yourself thinking, “I’m just not a confident person,” and the advice is to question that thought, “Is this *really* true?”
99.9999…% of the time, it’s not! (You probably figured that already!)
Yet, you still don’t *feel* confident because these self-criticisms are sneaky, automatic patterns, and you’re likely holding onto outdated beliefs that no longer serve you.
The advice goes on: When you catch the negative thoughts, you’re supposed to replace them with more compassionate and balanced statements like, “I am strong, and my past successes prove that I am capable.”
Now, here’s the catch! – How many times have you tried that, and it *actually* worked?
Often, it doesn’t, right?! 🤷♀️ Here is why👇
Just because you are aware of your thoughts doesn’t mean that when you replace them with more supporting thoughts, you’ll automatically believe and actually feel them.
Something very sneaky is often getting in the way - your subconscious mind. 🙅♀️🚧
Your subconscious mind is that part of you that impacts your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, habits, and so much more — every day, at least 95% of the time! (It basically *rules* everything you do.) 👑
(In case you’re new to the concept of conscious vs. subconscious mind and thinking to yourself, “What the heck is the subconscious mind?!” here's a short video where I explain in depth what they are and how both shape our day-to-day reality).
Here’s what happens when you try to change a thought with your conscious mind without your subconscious mind on board: It simply doesn’t stick. ➡🗑🌬
The problem is not that you consciously don’t believe that, e.g., you’re not capable (because rationally, you *know* you are because you have living proof!). The problem is that you don’t *feel* it because your subconscious holds onto the belief that you’re not.
It acts as a barrier 🚧 and doesn’t let these new thoughts in, which is why you still don’t feel confident after saying your affirmations 569 times. 🙄
So, no matter what you tell yourself on a conscious level with your logical thinking mind, you have to repeat it a gazillion times until it may stick one day, but chances are that you’ll lose willpower and give up hope by then (sounds familiar?). 👀
So, what to do instead?
Before we discuss how to tap into the subconscious mind’s power to fast-track change (pssst… that is the remaining 80 percent that 10x your results), let’s look at the 20 percent work happening on the conscious level (this is still important!) to prepare yourself for the next step.
As mentioned before, awareness is the essential first step for change.
Take time to reflect on your negative thoughts about yourself and explore the deeper beliefs that are holding you back. (I often give new clients this assignment.)
Journaling, meditation, or guided reflection (which is what we do in my one-on-one kick-off sessions) are great tools for becoming more aware of what’s happening under the surface.
Here are a few questions that get you started to grow your awareness:
✍️ What are the stories you tell yourself?
✍️ How do you treat yourself on a daily basis?
✍️ What do you truly believe about yourself?
✍️ What actions do you take as a result of these beliefs?
I recommend tracking your thoughts for a week to see where you’re at with your current mindset. (Here is a worksheet for your convenience that supports you to do exactly that. Get yourself a copy and then dive right in.)
Identify where there is a mismatch, e.g., between how you want to feel about yourself and how you *truly* feel about yourself or how you want to show up and how you *actually* show up.
(Become aware of all the areas where you don’t show up as your natural self, and list thoughts or beliefs holding you back from being that effortless, confident version of yourself.)
This is the fundamental step I guide clients through to prepare them before we dive into working on a deeper level, i.e., reprogram your subconscious mind for confidence.
If you’re ready to go deeper and take a closer look at the root causes of your confidence challenges... onto the last Strategy #3
Strategy 3: Work *With* Your Subconscious Mind
(Go Deeper, and Address the Root Cause of Your Confidence Challenges)
Lean in if you want to fast-track your results — this is for you! 🎯
Rather than pushing yourself through uncomfortable situations or endlessly repeating affirmations, hoping confidence will magically appear one day, there is a shortcut to finally seeing results.
(This is an absolute game-changer 🃏, and I wish someone had told me this a decade earlier!!)
Many high-achieving women initially overlook the connection between their confidence challenges and their subconscious mind. But it is strong!
There is one crucial thing that you need to understand:
The underlying reasons for your self-doubt and insecurities are almost *always* deeply rooted in and tied to past (early childhood) experiences and conditioning.
These experiences shaped the “limiting beliefs” about yourself that you’re still holding on to today. (These beliefs are why you show up the way you do every day!)
One of the biggest misconceptions is *thinking* your way to confidence only with affirmations and positive self-talk is effective.
As briefly touched on earlier, the problem isn’t your conscious mind—it’s that your subconscious beliefs don’t align with the new messages you’re telling yourself.
That’s why it’s so *essential* to dig deeper and directly work at the root, i.e., with your subconscious mind – to create real change.
How do we do this now?
Once you know your negative thoughts and limiting beliefs (Strategy #2), you’re ready to boost your confidence faster by working directly with your subconscious mind.
This is the fast lane to lasting confidence because, while mindset work and reflective exercises have their place, they alone don’t reach the root of the problem. Remember, it’s only 20 percent of the work.
The truth is, trying to convince yourself to be confident using only your conscious mind is very ineffective and often doesn’t yield the desired ROI.
That’s why I use effective strategies like KNR® (Contextual Neurophysiological Resetting) and hypnosis to support my clients in reprograming the old patterns that keep them stuck in self-doubt.
They transform their confidence at the core level. This allows them to reshape their beliefs from the inside out and experience a profound internal shift. (As my clients P. and K. did.)
(Pssssst….. These tools are the cornerstones of a strong and transformational coaching experience that shortens your progress to months instead of decades…)
Confidence isn’t something you can force—it’s something you rewire within yourself, and once that’s done properly, you’ll benefit for months and even years to come.
Now, though, some readers of this blog might be wondering…
What if you’ve tried *all* the things before…
(and you’re mind gremlins 👹👺🤡 won’t stop tearing you apart, and you still don’t feel confident?)
I get it. I really do.
I was once in your shoes. I felt stuck in a loop, trying and trying for over a decade to feel more confident without seeing significant results.
If you haven’t yet addressed the root causes of your self-doubt and harsh inner critic, it can feel like no matter what you do, nothing changes (It’s frustrating. I really do get it!).
If you’re like me, you’ve probably tried it *all* ☑️
❌ You heard it countless times: “Confidence starts with how you talk to yourself.” You practiced being more compassionate by challenging the negative self-talk and replacing it with kinder, more supportive thoughts. *Didn’t work* 👎
❌ You tried to celebrate your wins. You might even have a success journal, but no matter how often you read through it, you never really *feel* it. 👎
❌ You’ve probably stood in front of the mirror a million times telling yourself whatever affirmation was supposed to make you feel confident. *Didn’t work* 👎
❌ You asked yourself, “Would I talk the way I talk to myself to a dear friend?” The answer is always, “Of course not?!!” You would never talk like this to another human being! — yet you seem not to be able to speak kinder to yourself. 🤬🤷♀️
Everything clicked when I finally understood that I had been overlooking my subconscious mind’s greater power over my daily actions the whole time. 💡
My deeper, subconscious beliefs were still getting in the way because they were still rooted in self-doubt. No amount of positive thinking on the surface could create lasting change because I didn’t address the core issue.
As soon as I got my subconscious on board, things shifted quickly. 🚀
(Now, I want to make clear that all these tips and tricks you find out there have their place. They can actually work once you reprogram your old beliefs. In fact, then they can act as supporting elements in becoming more confident.)
However, if you’re missing out on the most essential element in the equation (hint: your subconscious mind and the unconscious patterns!), you likely won’t see big, lasting results.
So, you *need* to shift on both levels – consciously AND subconsciously.
As a psychologist, KNR®, and hypnosis coach, I find that working with clients directly at the root level to break through their challenges is some of my most important work.
I know you are tired of feeling the pressure of being a certain way to fit in.
And you are tired of strategies that are just scratching the surface.
✔️ You want to wake up feeling at peace with yourself, knowing you’ve got your back, instead of starting the day exhausted by harsh thoughts.
✔️ You want to feel light, whole, and ready for the day, knowing your decisions come naturally instead of relying on others for validation.
✔️ You want to feel empowered and trust yourself—whether at work, in your personal life, or just choosing what to have for lunch.
And… the solution to these seemingly impossible challenges may be closer than you think. They might be found in your subconscious.
So yes… It’s finally time to shift gears and free yourself from that negative voice in your head!
1️⃣ Stop trying to “fake it till you make it.”
2️⃣ Become aware of your negative thoughts.
3️⃣ Go deeper and address the root cause of your insecurities.
… these are some great places to start.
And if you’re really ready to build your confidence from the inside out (and finally say hello 👋 to your most authentic and confident version when you look in the mirror✨), I have a perfect next step for you.
Moving Beyond Surface-Level Strategies & Build Lasting Confidence From the Inside Out 💪
In my LWTC framework, confidence is one of the four core building blocks I focus on with my 1-1 clients at the beginning of their five-month journey when we establish their “psycho-emotional foundation” (think of it as the solid concrete on which your home is built on).
By collapsing time and fast-tracking the process with KNR® and hypnosis, you cut through the weeds of old programming quickly and effectively.
This makes the previous steps—like challenging negative thoughts in your daily life—so much easier because your subconscious mind is now on board and optimized for confidence.
Once you’ve done this foundational work, everything shifts and falls into place. 🍃
When you reach that place of genuine confidence, you no longer feel the need to ”fake it,” and everything becomes effortless and natural.
🌟 You walk into a room or down the street and feel completely authentic.
💃 You dress in a way that reflects who you are at your core—no need to wear a mask.
🤩 You’re naturally yourself, which makes you so good to be around. People feel your positive energy because you feel good from the inside out.
😎 Decisions become easy, and you stop overthinking every little thing. Whether it’s choosing bread or avocados at the store or making a major career move, you *know* exactly what you want and go for it.
This is what true confidence feels like, and it’s possible for you, too.
If you don’t see results (yet), you’ve likely been given the wrong map for your journey 🗺. BUT that doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you need a different approach—one that resonates with who you are at your core.
If you feel like the approaches you’ve tried only gave you a temporary confidence boost but left you still feeling insecure and not getting you the *real results* you’re looking for, and you’re ready to go deeper…
Let’s explore the idea of working together! — to overcome the cycle of negative self-talk, finally, skyrocket your confidence, and raise your self-love to new levels (using an effective approach!)
Other articles you’ll love
